Self-Love Vs. Selfishness

When I was in High School and still living at home, we had a Sunday tradition that we engaged in religiously.  We would all get up in the morning, go to Mass at St. Paul’s church in Westerville, Ohio (know in those days simply as the ‘Ville)  (OK, I was the only one who called it that)  (Thought it made me look more Urban)  (Pope Urban that is), and after Mass we would truck over to Ryan’s Steak house.

Pope Urban, Homie

For those of you around the world, or the US that doesn’t know who Ryan’s Steak house is, it is one of the reasons that people around the world might not like the United States of America.  It is one of those places with a buffet a mile long, filled with all sorts of food, from salad to fried chicken, ribs, or whatever you can imagine.  And the best part is that they keep bringing out all sorts of new hot items. (As a side note, you are apparently NOT supposed to just go up to the buffet line and stick your face in the mashed potato bin.  Not only do they get upset, but the butter tends to scald your face.  Just thought I would warn you)

Now I have a philosophy about food: I like it.  A lot.  I have, to quote Chris Farely, what “Doctors call a bit of weight problem.”  It is certainly something I struggle with from time to time.  So those kind of places are just nightmares for me- any kind of all you can eat place- I feel like I have to get my money’s worth when I go in there, and I usually end up feeling bloated and sleepy toward the end of the meal.

Me, after a meal at Ryan’s.  Apparently I turn into some kind of bear.

There is nothing wrong with eating- nothing wrong with enjoying a meal with some friends, or family- nothing wrong with having a good meal, but there is something wrong with engorging yourself on the buffet line, to the point where an ambulance has to come get you to take you home.  I guess this would be a good analogy for the difference between selfishness and self-love.

I think that sometimes these two things get confused.  For instance, some people think that doing something nice for themselves is selfishness.  Others, may think that they are simply taking care of themselves, and it is self-love.  I guess it really is a matter of perspective, and relies mostly on your intentions.  I guess a blog on intentions would be an interesting post.

But for now, I guess the way that we must distinguish self love from selfishness is not in the act itself, but in the outcome of the act.  For instance, if a person takes time off to recharge, regenerate, and spend time with friends and family that is alright.  If the effect is that it begins to make their work life deteriorate, or they spend all their time in recreation, then it becomes selfishness.

Drinking isn’t bad, but fomr some people it is a totally sefish act- the purpose of the drink becomes escaping instead of relaxation.  Some people don’t have a choice in this by the way- but the same can happen in terms of anything that we use to relax.  Once it crosses the lone and becomes the primary thing we seek after to the neglect of other things, rather than being a support for our relationships and our work life, we have crossed the line over into selfishness.

So what is self love?  It is simply taking care of yourself- doing what is in the highest good for yourself, and something that augments, and does not detract from daily responsibilities and relationships.

I know someone once who had to deal with a particular issue in their lives, to the point where they had to seek out a support group.  That person felt incredibly guilty that they had to spend time in the group, and felt that they should be spending time with their family instead.  I had to explain to them that by spending time getting help with a particular issue, they would be a better friend, spouse, parent, and member of their community.  It wasn’t selfish, but self loving.

The real difference again lies in the intention- self-love always takes into account everyone around us- we do loving things for ourselves IN ORDER THAT we might love those people around us, and fulfill our duties.  A nice relaxing day at the beach or watching a ball game or even taking a walk in the park can mean the difference between a person who is a big ball of stress, and the person who is effective and efficient in their lives. 

In grad school, we had a professor who reminded us that you can’t give what you don’t have.  That completely applies to every aspect of our lives- For instance, I would love to give you a million dollars, but I just don’t have it (yet).  The same is true about love- if you don’t love yourself how is it possible to love other people?  Again, true self love is really directed away from ourselves- we love ourselves in order that we might love others.  Selfishness is simply about pleasing ourselves and our appetites, or running away from personal thoughts and feelings, or even responsabilities and relationships, that frighten us, and usually ends up hurting not only us, but the people around us.

One last note on self-love.  It is really hard to do.  We are probably the hardest person to love simply because me might not think we are worth loving ourselves, or know how to truly love ourselves.  We have to live with our faults, and it is sometimes easier to see those than all the good things we have and are.  No matter how “good” or “bad” we might be, we are loveable, we deserve and need to be loved, both from outside and within ourselves.

Network of Supporters

They are following me.

A whole group of people.

Sure you can’t always see them.

But I know they are there- watching me.

They are in the sky, on the ground- they are listening to my every word… bespectacled eyes leering at me through square glasses.

I am talking about my network- my Verizon Network.

I love those commercials where the network, lead by that nerdy guy, and the army of technicians and staff of Verizon follows the customers around making sure that their phone is working.  Frankly it freaked me out one day when I turned around and saw them all there.  Smiling.  Frankly, I wanted a little privacy… I mean… why did they follow me into the bathroom?

Of course, that is what the network is supposed to do- to make sure that you never miss or drop a call.  They are there to make sure that everything is in constant working order.  The commercial is trying to convey a truth- behind every Verizon phone call is an army of people making sure that it will be successful.  If only life could be that way.  Why can’t it be?  It is for me.

I guess I have another kind of network- a network that I have built from the ground up- a network of personal friends, mentors, supporters, and counselors that are available to me all the time in order my day, like the Verizon phone call, will be successful.  Not only that, but if anything goes wrong, they are there for me, to help me repair whatever glitch has happened in my system.

That means that there are people who I have to trust- every time we pick up the Verizon phone, we have assumed that the people working to make that call work are themselves trustworthy- that they aren’t going to listen in on that call and use that information against us in some way.  My network of supporters hear everything I have to say and know it, or else they are really no good to me.

I am always amazed when people try to do things on their own.  In reality though, we are conditioned to try and be the lone gunman in any given situation.  That is why when you go to the bookstore- any bookstore, there is a section entitled “Self-Help.”  I bet you won’t find a section called “group-help,” anytime soon.

I am not sure what that is- maybe Max Weber has something to say about that- how we are supposed to be individualistic and be self-sufficient.  That just doesn’t work really….

Holy Moly!  A Max Weber Reference!?  What could I possibly mean?

In ancient Rome there was a symbol that was commonly used called the fascies.  The fascies were a bundle of sticks that were tied together, because a group of sticks was far more sturdy and durable than one stick alone.  Why do we do it then?  That is, why do we try and go it alone?

I suspect that fear is a big issue.  Fear of looking weak- fear of someone knowing our secrets- of being vulnerable.  I don’t mind being vulnerable- I AM vulnerable.  If I was invincible I wouldn’t need anything from anyone- turns out that I am far from that.  So I must conclude that I do need other people in some way shape or form.

I guess when we realize, and really accept, that we can’t do it alone and that we are vulnerable, that is when we can tie ourselves to the other sticks and gain their strength, while lending my strength- what meager strength it is, to them.

Look at your support systems- are they working for you?  Are they appropriate?  Are they really addressing your strengths and weaknesses? If you “drop the call” is there someone there to help you re-connect?

I know that when I get upset or tired, I have a tendency to isolate myself from others- to hold my grief and pain into myself until it explodes out one way or another.  It simply isn’t healthy- no one, not even me, can take that or hold that in.  I don’t know why I even try sometimes!  I have my groups in place, my friends and family, counselors and spiritual directors standing by all the time to help me when I get into a bind.  They know that I am there to help them- sometimes I have to force myself to use them, and you know, I always feel better getting that stuff out of my system.

I imagine it is a lonely existence to try and be the lone gunman.  I know it is.  We aren’t designed to do anything alone, and yet for some dumb reason we try.  It is truly in our relationships that we find strength, peace, and serenity.

Curiosity Didn’t Kill the Cat, It Made Him a Better Cat

Recently I joined a networking group named Amspirit, which meets every Tuesday morning at 7:30.  Now you know something must be good if I am willing not only to get up at 7:30, but even earlier to drive 20 minutes to something that STARTS at 7:30.  If that isn’t a resounding endorsment for the Amspirit organization, I don’t know what is.  Learn more about it here:

Click the picture to learn more!

I have met some fantastic folks through AmSpirit already, and one of the neat things that I have been able to partipate in was getting invited to a book club on Monday mornings with some other members of the organization.  So that means that there are TWO mornings a week that I get up to meet folks from this fine organization.  I went to my first meeting of that group last week, and we talked about a book called “How to Think Like Leonardo Da Vinci,” by Michael Gelb.  A fascinating book, where he outlines the seven steps to thinking like Leonardo Da Vinci- a man who was a scientist, painter, and a physician among other things… truly a renaissance man.

Leonardo- not the Ninja Turtle

From this book we had a truly interesting and invegorating discussion lead by one of the members of the group.  The first of the 7 steps to thinking like Leo was curiosity.  From the summery of the book curiosita’ was defined as:

“An insatiably curious approach to life and an unrelenting quest for continuous

learning.

 

Talented people go on asking questions throughout their lives. Leonardo’s

childlike sense of wonder and insatiable curiosity, his depth of interest, and his

willingness to question accepted knowledge never ceased. Curiosita is the first

of Leonardo’s characteristics that Gelb attributes to his genius.”

 

   

  I think that this is an important aspect to pursue in everyone’s life- often we get comfortable in simply taking what other people say as the truth- in essense we “borrow” their perception and make it our own.  When that happens we really get comfortable in simply accepting the world as other people see it, and never challenge the accepted norms of culture or thought.  If we have a sense of curiosity instilled in us, we can take a critical look at things, understanding the reality and culture that we live in, and making ourselves much more rounded individuals who do not simply live in the darkness, but understand in depth themselves and the reality that they live in.  That means we constantly have to challenge what we think we know is true- sometimes I suspect if we challenge things we can see just how close we really were- that things were true.  Other times, we might find that what we believed to be true was off the mark the whole time.

Truth is a universal thing- what is true today will always be true- truth- real truth is unchanging.  But only the one’s with a real sense of curiosita’ delve deeply into its profound depths and discover so much more than was first perceived.

 
He is challenging the norms….  what a weird guy!!

The Best Way to Re-Commit: Don’t

A couple of years ago, I began a journey- a journey to make myself look, feel, and act, like Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I have thus far failed.  It turns out I can’t even do an Austrian accent, although I have known several Austrians, and have even worked out once in Vienna, I have failed to reach the epic 1970′s proportions of everyone’s favorite body builder.

He is going to pump you up!

When I embarked on that journey, I embarked with a bunch of zeal, and for three straight months, I lifted three times a week, built up my strength and my muscles, and watched the numbers on the sheet I was writing my stats on rise with every week that I lifted.  Certainly, I did not turn out like Arnold, but the lifting and the physical exercise made me feel incredible.  It is something I try to maintain in one way or another all the time in my life.

I wish I had a program that I could click and be more buff!

It is funny though, after about three months I hit a plateau.  The numbers stopped going up as fast, if at all, and I was starting to lose hope that I someday would be Mr. Universe… or Conan the Barbarian.  So I re-committed myself to working out harder, pushing myself more, and re-dedicating myself to the workout routine with the same zeal I had started with three months prior.

That lasted all of a week.  I found myself dragging myself into the gym that I had previously loved, and that my workouts were not all that effective in getting the numbers to go higher.  I knew they could go higher but all the re-commitment in the world wasn’t working.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong- I was doing all the same stuff I had done for the previous three months- things that had gotten me fired up and gotten me results, but to no avail.

Then I realized, that was the problem.  I began reading up on what the problem was, and I realized that my muscles had gotten used to the same old routine that I had been doing for the last three months, which limited their ability to grow.  Not only that, but mentally, I had gotten bored with the routine- so as much as I wanted to re-commit myself, it was growing more difficult, both physically and mentally.  I was no longer challenging myself in either aspect, so my workouts became boring and ineffective, no matter how much I wanted to re-commit.  There was no way that I was going to do an encore to that previous three months’ of workouts.

So I changed it up.  I got some more books and changed up my routine- I picked a different set of exercises, a different order to my workout, and even different music than I was listening to before.  (I had been listening to the same cd for three months too!)  I changed everything.  In a sense, I re-committed to my physical well being by not re-committing at all.  In fact it was difficult to re-commit to the same old routine, nearly impossible.

I think that this sort of thinking needs to apply to everything.  It is very easy to get comfortable in our relationships, our jobs, our spiritual life, or even our intellectual life.  When we get comfortable, even with good habits, we can stagnate the growth that we might be capable of doing, simply because it is easier to do.  That can make us lazy, and even prone to losing the good habits we might have formed.

The way to re-commit to anything is to totally re-think how you are doing it.  There is nothing more fun than starting a new project, to find a new way to look at and examine anything that is out there- new ways to experience a relationship that refreshes and renews it.  Even news ways of working out that trick the muscles into growing even faster than they could in the old system.

As I have mentioned in other posts, if we are not growing we are dead.  Certainly the new workout that I established after the first three months was a hard routine to get into- my muscles weren’t use to it, it required more concentration, and it forced me to learn how to do the same old thing in a brand new and exciting way.  The result- my numbers started to go up on my stat sheet again.

How does this apply to a job?  Maybe you can’t seem to find fulfillment in a job because you have gotten into a rut and can’t get out.  The same routine is no longer a mental challenge, and you need to look for a new department and new challenges to make you grow.

How about relationships?  Maybe you have been married for awhile, and things have gotten stale.  Look at your routines- maybe you have been doing the same things together that worked twenty years ago.  You are different people than you were twenty years ago!  Things may have changed, and so should the dynamic of your relationships.  Maybe it is as simple as trying a new restaurant!

In your spiritual life, perhaps you have prayed and meditated the same way for years, and it once brought a great amount of fruit to your spiritual well being, but these days your prayer has been stale- try a new tact- there are plenty of spiritual devotions and practices that can refresh your relationship with God.

This existence is constantly one of the tension between trying to stay the same- what is comfortable for us, and what worked for us in the past, verses dealing with the changing nature of the world we live in, and people we are.  Somehow we have to balance consistency with challenging ourselves with new ways of thinking and acting so that we can continue to grow and fulfill our potential at this moment of our lives.

As a friend once told me, she likes to do things every so often that gets her out of her comfort zone- she even tried dancing in an advanced jazz class without ever having one jazz dance lesson ever in her life!  Getting out of our comfort zones is the first step in establishing a new comfort zone to grow into- certainly that means leaving the past behind, but taking with us that which will make us grow.

I will leave you with this analogy- a plant needs a new flower pot every-so-often in order to continue to grow, or else it will be smothered and die.  That doesn’t mean that the flower pot didn’t serve its purpose, just that it outgrew the one it was in.  To move a plant from one pot to another, or a pot to the ground is tremendously hard and risky on the plant, but the potential for growth is unimaginable!

So how do you re-commit to anything?  Throw out the old play book, and write a new one!  Commit, by not re-committing to whatever makes us too comfortable.

A Little Deviation at the Beginning Can Mean Big Trouble at the End: Life Requires Maintenance.

A few years ago, my Boy Scout Troop went on one of our patented camp outs.  I used to love campouts, simply because it always gave us the excuse and the opportunity to eat chili.  Chili was a staple of our Boy Scout Troop.  It was tasty, it was easy to make, and it was always entertaining to feed a bunch of teenage boys Chili.  The Chili we made was like Chili salad- we would all bring a can of our favorite Chili, and mix the different cans into one big pot, and create the world’s greatest chili.  Add some cheese and frito’s and you had yourself a fine meal my friends. 

 Oddly, this post is not about Chili.  I just wanted to share my love of Chili with all of my readers.  At the partiular campout, we were going to study orienteering.  Orienteering is the navagation of terrain using a compass and a map.  I am particularly notorious for my bad sense of direction, so giving me a map and compass could only lead to disaster.

The way that the campout worked was that we were supposed to navigate a series of waypoints using the map and the compass.  We broke into groups, each having its own set of waypoints and goals- the first to arrive at the final waypoint, which was the same for all the groups, won the competition.  I will just say, as a matter of foreshadowing, that we did not win the competition.

So we started out navigating the course- I was the compass guy in our group, and we were supposed to find a direction and go so many feet or miles or whatever we were supposed to do.  From that point, we would find the next set of coordinates and so on.  Let’s say that the direction was 252 degrees, or West(ish).  Being the type of guy that I am, I found 250, told the guys which direction to go and we were off.

Boy were we off.

We were way off.

Actual Photo of Me, Lost in the Woods (I Got Better)

We never found the first waypoint in fact.  We spent the next couple of hours trying to figure out where we were and where we were supposed to be.  Finally, we realized that we had started off on the wrong foot- the fact that I found 250 and not 252 made all the difference.  At first, we were pretty much on course, but as we went further on, that little 2 degree difference made all the difference.  After a couple of miles we were almost a mile off course.

We finally had our leader help us out, and we found the final waypoint, simply because he knew where it was.  There was still chili to be eaten there, don’t worry!

Boy how we can be like that sometimes.  We think we are generally going in the right direction, but a couple of degrees off at the beginning, and we could end up way off course.  I had a boss once tell me that God is in the details.  Or was it the Devil?  Either way… it may seem that we have gone in the right direction at first, but it is horrible to find that we are way off route at the end.

Isn’t this a great picture? 

Our problem with the orienteering was that we just set off in a direction and assumed that we were on the right track the whole time.  We went in a straight line and assumed that everything would turn out right.  Life is never about a straight route though, as often we must zig and zag, and constantly correct the course we are on to make sure that we arrive at our final destination.

A great analogy I once heard is an airplane.  Most of us, when we fly, assume that the airplane is traveling in a straight line, from point A to point B.  It turns out that an airplane is rarely on course, though.  In fact, an airplane is on course less than 10% of the time.  A plane’s route is more like a zig zag or a wavey type pattern.  If the plane didn’t constantly make course corrections, the from from LA to Chicago would end up in Tuscon!

Our lives have to operate in a similar manner.  We simply can’t point ourselves in a particular direction and expect that we are going to arrive at our destination.  Even a little deviation at the beginning can mean that we will almost always miss the mark at the end.

Our lives require a daily course correction- we have to see where we are coming from, where we are, and if we are still heading in the right direction- in other words our lives are in constant need of course correction, much like the route of an airplane.  The quickest way to get between two points is a straight line, but rarely do straight lines exist in real life.  It is so much better to make those course corrections early rather than find out just how far off the mark you are at the end!

Much like the pilots of an airplane, or Boy Scouts on the trail, we need to constantly monitor ourselves to make sure we get to whatever destination we desire to arrive at.  Certainly it takes a lot of work and focus, but the results are always worth it.

The final piece of the puzzle is that we have to trust the instruments provided to us to navigate our way through life.  Just like the pilot has to trust his control panel, and the Boy Scout his compass, so we have to trust the instruments in our lives- people, places, and structures that are external to ourselves to help us make sure that we are on route.  Our relationship with God, counselors, pastors, life coaches, mentors, support groups, friend and family members are all good resources for us to trust in our journey of life to help us be accountable to them and ourselves to maximize the possibilility for success. 

 That means we have to find and establish relationships with people that we trust to point us in the right direction, and to put us back on course, and arrive safely at our destination, whatever that might be.

Instant Gratification Doesn’t Always Mean Instant Success

When I was a kid I rarely got mail. I am not sure that there are many kids that get a lot of mail, although I am sure that since even 3 year old have email now, they at least get the same spam from the widows of African Generals who just need to borrow my bank account for a little while, so that she can get her money out of Zimbabwe. (By the way, I am still waiting on my 10% cut of that 28 million dollars.) (I am sure it won’t be long before it comes. In the meantime, I guess they needed to max out my checking account to help with the transfer.)

When I was a kid, I received one of the greatest letters in the mail that I possibly could: It was from my good friend, Ed. McMahon. That’s right, even though I had only vaguely heard of him and never met him, he sent me… ME… a letter with the greatest message a kid could read: I had won a million dollars.

Lucky: Not ’cause she won $5m, but ’cause she got to meet Ed

I was already driving a monster truck in my mind’s eye. It had flames on the side.

All I had to do was to submit the entry form to claim my prize of one million dollars (as I type this, I am putting my pinky up to my mouth, a-la Dr. Evil). I knew that all my problems were over… no more need for an allowance, and I could probably buy off my parents and brothers… probably.

I sent in the envelope and waited for Ed to show up with my check. I waited a long time. Almost as long as I ma waiting for that General’s widow to deposit that money into my account… where the heck is she??!

Finally, the day came… again I got something in the mail. I figured that Ed was busy and couldn’t personally deliver my check- probably he was busy delivering other people’s checks I was sure… Did he even live in Ohio? What I got in the mail wasn’t a check though- it was a subscription to a golfing magazine.

I have never golfed.

I will never golf.

All of my dreams of monster trucks and gold plated toilets slipped through my fingers. Maybe I could golf my way to millions. I was just a regular kid again… I would have to earn it if I wanted a million dollars.

You know, I would love to find some way to get rich quick… who the heck wouldn’t? While I am at it, I would love to find some way to lose weight quickly without any personal risk. Oh yea, I would love to be world famous too… by tomorrow.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not alone in these and similar sentiments. I love instant gratification- I love getting somethign for nothing- no work, no investment, no pain or commitment.

Why do you think guys keep selling schemes to make money (why would they be selling it if it worked so well? Seems you would want to keep it a secret.) How about all the fad diets and pills and procedures that help us to lose weight quickly? Not that I am against them, or think they are bad or immoral, but I doubt that it gets to the root of why most people eat.

If we want something worthwhile- a true balance in our lives, it is not something that happens in an instant, but something we grow into. It requires work to do- sometimes it is easy and other times it isn’t. I wish I could find that equilibrium instantly, but I doubt it would be equilibrium at all. Usually instant gratification comes with consequences- I know that all the fad diets I have ever tried, I end up gaining more weight than I ever lost. I am sure that most of those people that take part in investment schemes end up losing their money simply because for those schemes to work requires a full time job, and that is contrary to the message that sold them the product in the first place.

I guess there are two ways to look at this analogously. It is sort of like robbing a bank- yea you get money instantly, but the consequences are dire- jail, death, or the endagering of other people. No bank robber robs banks just because it is evil by the way, but there is something good they get out of it instantly- the thrill, quick money etc. In the same way, no one who takes drugs takes them because it will destroy their bodies, but for the instant feeling it gets them.

The better way to do it is to get a job and work for it- to struggle and to save little by little. Certainly the money won’t come as quickly, but neither will the consequences. I have a feeling that a person who understands this appreciates ever hard earned paycheck that they make.

When it comes to anything else, the same thing works- if you lose weight one pound a week, you have a tendency to keep it off, because you give yourself time to change your habits. Money, or houses, or whatever rightly earned is always more fulfilling than getting it quickly through schemes or robbery. Dealing with how we feel is much better than supressing it with drugs or alcohol or shopping or whatever addiction makes us feel temporarily better. You still need to deal with the consequences of those feelings, as well as others associated with the addicition, once the drug wears off.

I still fight this need for instant gratification- it is part of our culture- instant cameras, cell phone that contact other people instantly- airplanes that can fly around the world in a matter of hours. I can tell you from my own experience, that when we do the work and take the time, the outcome is always more fulfilling.

The Myth of Perfection: If You Want to Live, You Have to Grow

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Before last January, I haven’t run more than about 12 feet since I was about 12 years old.  Running is a hard thing to do for me- you have to sweat for one.  Of course, I don’t sweat, rather I glow.  My glowing is really wet and stinky though. 

An artist’s rendition of me sweating…

I have always been a big fan of walking though, and one day after Thanksgiving I ended up walking about 12 miles, for no other reason than I had enough time off to walk 12 miles.  Having done that, a friend of mine told me that I should learn how to run, and train for the Columbus half marathon in April of last year.

PREPOSTEROUS I thought.  Me?  A Runner?  I have a hard enough time walking without falling off of the sidewalk, let alone trying to do that quickly, in a city, surrounded by 10,000 strangers.  I scoffed at the idea, but eventually acquiessed, and began to train for the marathon.

Falling off of the sidewalk

I started by walking fast, then faster, and even ran about 13 feet, a personal record set for me in Mrs. Thomas’ 5th grade gym class, not to be broken until I was nearly 30 years old.  Eventually, that 13 feet turned into a mile, which turned into 2,3,4, and toward the end of my training 12 miles!  I couldn’t believe it!  Every week I would just add a mile to what I had done the week before, so it wasn’t so tedious and mentally challenging which is really what turned me off of running in the first place.

The day of the big race came, and I was psyched!  It was cold and rainy that day, but I was determined to combat the elements and run a good race.  As we began, I ran at an even pace, because I knew that the race was long.  One foot in front of the other.  Sure there was a little tightness in my hamstrings, but I was able to persevere!

I ran the 10k portion of the 13.2 mile race, which works out to roughly half of a half marathon, in about an hour and six minutes- not too shabby for a guy running his first marathon.  Then it happened.

My hamstrings locked up in the 7th mile… and I had to walk.  I was so disappointed in myself!  I had done all this training for months and months, and I had to walk!!!!  So I walked the 7th mile, waiting for my hamstrings to loosen up.

After a little while, I began to jog again, and even pick up a little speed, so that I finished in just under 2 and a half hours.  I was so upset at myself.  I was so upset that I didn’t run the perfect race.  I couldn’t see the fact that I had just traveled, by foot, 13 miles.  I don’t even like to drive 13 miles!  I couldn’t see that I had gone from walking to running in a matter of months.  I couldn’t see the other 12 miles that I had run- just that one stinkin’ mile that I had to walk.  3 months of training destroyed by one mile.

Anyone else hear the Superman Theme when they look at this?

We can all be like that I think.  A lot of us anyway.  American culture both chases and loathes perfection.  For some reason the culture has come to expect perfection in its people- if you aren’t perfect, then you aren’t wanted.  So we are told that we need to be perfect.  On the other hand, we love it when so- called celebrities, or polititians fall flat on their face and fail- maybe because it makes us feel a little better about our own imperfections.  I dunno, maybe it is just me who is a perfectionist.

Perfection in this life is simply impossibile!  At least with a definition of perfection that is common and popular- that is a person with no physical or emotional flaws- a person without any character defects.  No one like that exists- not even Oprah or Dr. Phil!

But “perfection” in another sense is possible.  Trees are perfect in a sense- trees are perfect insofar as they are constantly growing.  If a tree stops growing, it is one step away from dying, or it is already dead.  Trees are perfect as long as they are doing what they are supposed to do, and that is to grow.  It they aren’t growing they are dying.

Trees go through a lot of changes while they grow.  They have to endure the wind and the rain, they need sunlight, they have to lose their leaves, and put down their roots despite the hardness of the soil.  They have to lose bark, and grow new layers.  Growth for a tree can be serious work!

We aren’t really any different.  We have been designed to grow in whatever environment we have been placed in.  If we stop growing, and learning, that means that we are one step away from dying, perhaps spiritually and emotionally, if not physically.  Growing is what we have been made to do. 

Growth for us human beings can be tough though, just like it is for the tree.  It requires us to leave behind places, habits, and even people who may have been important to us at one time.  It means that sometimes there will be growing pains.  It means not being so hard on ourselves for our perceived ”imperfections,” and seeing them as opportunities for growth.

 Sometimes when you look at the rings on the tree you can see that some years had better and faster growth than others- we aren’t different.  There are times in which we will grow quickly, and other times when it doesn’t seem like we are growing at all.

 

It can hurt to grow, but if a tree doesn’t grow it can’t produce fruit because it is dead.  So our growth lets us be something greater than we are now potentially.  I know that I can look back on life and see events that weren’t pleasant, but helped to make me grow into the person I currently am.

So I guess that the word perfection is something of a misunderstood term- it is misunderstood what it means.  The word that we really should be talking about is progress.

In this life, I like to say, perfection equals progress.

Like the tree that is perfect when it does what it is supposed to, namely grow, so we are perfect only when we are growing.

When I think of that marathon last year, and the accomplishments I made in going from not running to running most of a half marathon I am astounded.  If all I focus on is that 7th mile that I had to walk, I am depressed.  Rather, I should look at that 7th mile as an opportunity to grow and become even better and faster- as something to reach for, just like a tree reaches for the sun!

Light and Darkness: The Problem of Evil and How it is Overcome

As I write this post, I am sitting in one of my favorite green lazy-boy-chairs in my living room, in front of two halogen light bulbs atop a tall red tri-pod.  Yep… I am sitting in front of two blindingly bright lights that my brother lent me. 

Maybe this sounds dumb, or insane, but as a good friend of mine once said, “I am solar powered.”  I am not sure why I don’t live in Mexico frankly… I mean, I hate cold, love the sun, and would look dashing in a sombrero.  Instead, my base of operations is Columbus, Ohio, where the sun doesn’t even shine for half of the year.  Sometimes I think it would be better to live in Alaska or the North pole where it is completely dark for 6 months- none of that “tease” stuff where it is light out, but “dank.” (I have to say, that other than the sun not shining, Columbus is a great town to live in.)

Typical Overcast Day In Columbus

  So I compensate with the halogen bulbs.  I am not sure it does any good, but at least they reduce my heating bill a little as they are powerful enough to heat the house!  I am a guy who is very very sensitive to light and darkness.  There is always some mix of light and darkness for me, both in the physical world, and in the spiritual world.  I think that is the same for everyone really.  If we were totally light, I guess we would be perfect.  There are days in which it is just hard to put my feet on the floor, especially when it is dark at 7:30 in the morning.  Some people have varying degrees of light and darkness in their life too- some are darker than others.  I am always searching for good natural light- no matter how bright these halogen lights are in my living room, they will never ever be as good and refreshing as the light of the sun.

Some people thrive on darkness though, the same way that I thrive on light.  I try to surround myself with people who thrive on light, but inevitably I will encounter people who don’t.  That is frankly very hard for me, for as much as I am sensitive to real light, I have to admit that I am also very sensitive to spiritual light.  And in a similar vein that I am unhappy when it is dark out, I am afraid of the dark in a spiritual sense too.  It doesn’t matter if that darkness is in me, or in another person, I am wearied by it either way.

Light and darkness is a constant theme in a lot of religions and spiritual traditions.  Being Catholic, it is something that is very prominent in the liturgy- candles are processed in with the cross, advent wreathes are lit before Christmas- candle light pierces the darkness of the Easter Vigil as we await the resurrection. 

 

The whole liturgical season is based on the length of days and how much light is in the world.  This is why, for instance, Christmas is the 25th of December, when the days start to get longer, and Lent starts in the darkest month of the year, February, only to culminate in Easter in the spring when light begins to shine brightly again, and flowers start to bloom.

Other traditions have picked up on this though- the Aztecs sacrificed young warriors in an attempt to keep the sun going- Jews light Hannukah lights in the darkest days of the year- I could probably go on and on.

As light and darkness are themes in a personal sense, and a spiritual sense, they reflect the conflict that goes on in a cosmalogical sense.  Light and darkness have always been analogies for good and evil.

The good is easy to talk about in a sense- everything is good to some extent because it exists- good and being are synonymous with each other in a philosophical sense. 

Evil though- it is tricky.  It is tricky to define- it is tricky to see- it is hard to talk about.  Evil is as intangible at times as darkness that can veil our lives.

There was a class back in school called “the problem of evil.”  It is a problem.  For the most part of western philosophy, evil is simply a privation- that is a lack of goodness in the same way that there really is no such thing as “cold,” rather there is simply less heat.

Evil is like Cold- Less Good and Less Heat

But I have encountered evil in my life- it is dark- it is tiring.  I guess in another analogous way, darkness is simply a lack of light too.  But there seems to be something to evil.  It is frightening- exhausting.

I wonder if most “evil deeds” are done in the cover of night.  I am sure they are in fact.  I wouldn’t have any problem walking through Columbus in the day, but there are parts I would never walk in at night, simply because I know that in the cover of night, bad things happen.

When we sin, that is not living up to what we are created to be and are inauthentic, we want to keep that hidden and in the dark- evil deeds are much easier to do and to get away with when they are done in the cover of darkness.  I know that when I have sinned I simply wanted to keep that to myself, but like bread kept in a dark cold place, we beging to foul and fester and become nasty and deadly.

Evil and Darkness will eventually consume us

Maybe that is the solution to evil- in our own lives, and in the lives of others.  Rather than follow our instinct and hide evil behind whatever we can find, we should bring it into the light- expose it- and as light consumes darkness, bringing our own struggles and privations into the light will consume that as well.  Maybe we could call that “rigorous honesty.”

We can do that through prayer and meditation, journaling, speaking with a friend or a professional- there are a variety of ways to shine light into our own personal struggles with darkness, as well as others.

There are people who live in incredible darkness- people who try all sorts of things to artificially bring in light, just like I do with my halogen bulbs.  But there just is no substitute for the real goodness of true natural light.  Deeds done in the darkness always lead to more darkness, and when the light eventually shines on those deeds and on those people, all will eventually be revealed.  Goodness and light will always consume the darkness.

Maybe that is why dark people stay dark- they get used to it, and become afraid of the exposure to the light, because they are afraid of what they might see.

My Dad told me once that there is no such thing as a secret.  Everything eventually gets revealed, and the good or evil that we do will ultimately be exposed one way or another.  That is wise advice- if we try to hold the darkness that we struggle with in- or if we do deeds in the darkness they will ultimately be revealed as they come out in the wash.  I eventually have to pay my electric bill for the artificial light that I am using.

I heard once- share the bad, it is cut in half, share the good, and it is doubled.

There are no secrets really.   Everything is revealed, in this life or the next.

Light will always prevail.

Love and Fear

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A few years ago, I was able to help a local High School participate in a “ropes course.”  A ropes course is something lets lets us all bring out the “Inner Tarzan.”  I guess some people can have an “Inner Jane” as well, or some mixture of both Tarzan and Jane.  I am sure if that happens, there is a lot of internal conflict and strife, and in any case, a whole lot of swinging going on.  I myself have an inner “Cheeta.”  (Cheeta is the name of the monkey that the movie Tarzan had with him.) (I do love monkeys.)

Him Tarzan, She Jane, Me, Cheeta

I have digressed so much from my first sentence, I think I may have forgotten what I was talking about… oh yea, the ropes course.  Anyway, the ropes course is a set of, well, ropes set way up high in the sky, about 40-75 feet up.  It is a set of cables and nets and obstacles ranging from trapeze, to tight ropes, and zip cords.  As I mentioned, the catch is that this is all suspended anywhere from 40 to 75 feet in the sky.

While I was there with the high school group, I watched as these kids attempted to fly through the sky on the various obstacles.  The point of this exercise, apart from being a good way to get out of biology class, is meant to teach teamwork, and, I guess, how to be really afraid of heights.  I never ventured on to the ropes course, as truly I do not have an inner monkey, rather I have an inner chicken.  (OK, I admit, it is more of an inner turkey… gobble gobble.) (Hamburgler: Rubble, Rubble)

Of course, this completely sounds insane.  Teenagers should probably not even be allowed to drive, let alone frolic tens of feet above the harsh, unforgiving ground.  There is a catch though- while there is no net to catch them if they miss the trapeze bar, or fall off of the zip cord, every person who is doing the ropes course has a safety harness on, with two safety wires attached to strong steel cables which run over the top of every one of the obstacles.

So the fear, is really just perceived fear, as if you fail an obstacle, you won’t really fall to a grusome death and ruin the prom, but you will be safely teathered, twice, to cables strong enough to hold a bridge together.

It was interesting to watch which kids trusted the safety cables and which ones didn’t.  For the most part, nobody could really fall- the ones that realized that had fun on the course, going from obstacle to obstacle, while the other kids who didn’t trust in the cables would perch on the side of the upright poles which held the course, and never venture out into the highwire, the zip cord, or anything else.  The kids that trusted in their safety harness could certainly do just about anything they wanted on the ropes course.  It was interesting how there was very little middle ground for those kids, either you loved it, or were terrified by it.  There were some (like me) who wouldn’t even climb the poles in the first place.

Our lives work like that.  Fear.  Fear is a great motivating factor- a lot of times it is irrational, telling us that there is danger when there really isn’t any to be found.    Fear shouldn’t be confused with prudence. 

Prudence is a total rational thing, which tells us when something is good to do, or when to avoid a potentially dangerous situation. 

 Fear is always irrational.  Certainly, sometimes it can serve a good purpose, such as avoiding those afore mentioned dangerous situations, but a lot of the time is makes us do really really silly things to ourselves.

There are a lot of things to fear- fear of death, fear of economic insecurity, fear of rejection.  There are even times when we might be afraid of how we feel, or even of memories.  We can be afraid to acknowledge the past, or fear looking at the future.  Fear comes in a lot of shapes and sizes.  Fear can prevent us from taking risks that we should be taking, and can even move us away from success- I know people that are afraid to succeed!

Fear is an emotion that is hard to battle- I think a lot of people struggle with it- everyone struggles with it in one way or another, and we have all tried to run from it from time to time, one way or another.

I have heard FEAR spells out two acronymns: “Forget Everything And Run,” and “Future Events Appearing Real.”  Both are good acronymns for fear, as fear is always ALWAYS irrational.  Like those kids on the ropes course who didn’t believe in the safety wires, it can parylize us, even when the fear isn’t really justified.

The opposite of fear is love- love is always rational.  Love is always choosing the good of ourselves and another, despite how we might feel at a particular moment.  Fear and love are exclusive terms, where there is love, fear cannot exist, simply because good rational love- doing what is good and right- is always more powerful than fear.  Love is not simply the desire to do something good, it is actually doing it, and knowing it is the right thing to do, despite “feeling” fear or anxiety.  Fear is an emotion- love is an action.

If we go back to that ropes course analogy, love would be the two safety wires attached to the cables above every obstacle.  See, the difference here between love and fear become apparent- fear is the intangible feeling felt when we are way up in the ropes course- love is the real and tangible wires that will never let us fall, as long as we stay attached.

If the person doing the ropes course removed their safety harness or wires, and then attempted to do the course, that would be reckless- but as long as they are tethered, they can do just about anything they want- the same is true with love.  Since love is an action, it can also be a habit- something that we continually do over and over again becomes easier and more natural over time, enabling us to trust more deeply, and love more thouroughly.

Why two wires?  The two wires in our analogy represent the two types of relationships that we need to ensure that we are happy and healthy people.  One of the wires is our relationship with a higher power, namely God, and the other represents good and right ordered relationships with other people. 

It is interesting when two people are on the same obstacle in the ropes course, they are teathered to the same safety cable- so they are really teathered together in a sense- what protects one, protects the other.  They are both also able to encourage each other to step out into the particular obstacle, and to trust the safety that has been put into place.

In our lives, as long as we stay teathered in love- real acts of willing the good of another despite our irrational emotions, there is almost nothing that we cannot accomplish.  That is why a good spiritual life, and a good social life (both with friends and family) is essential for a happy healthy person.  Love allows us to erradicate fear, and do what is best to overcome any obstacle that we might face in the future.

To try and do things by ourselves- even if we are capable- is as insane as doing the ropes course without the saftey wires protecting us.  Certainly, we might get through one or two obstacles, but eventually if we are by ourselves we will slip and fall to our deaths.

If we wish to overcome fear in our own lives, we have to love, and trust in love- trust that doing the right thing, even if it is difficult, will always bear a lot of fruit, and will always be better than never taking the risk, and staying on the ground with the rest of the turkeys who will never fly.

We should take a moment every day to do maintainance on our relationships, both spiritual and social, because these relationships help to give us not only a context and identity, but the ability to love and overcome fear that might otherwise be holding us back.

Keep your Focus

Diversity is death… that is a saying that I heard once at a conference a few months ago. lack of Focus is dangerous… It got me to thinking about a professor I knew in Rome. I can’t remember her name (which is probably a good thing) but I knew that she taught philosophy in English to a few English speaking students in town. I never had her myself as a teacher, but met her in a coffee bar in one of the universities I attended in Rome.

I was startled to hear how badly she spoke English- I knew she taught in English, and as I tried to strike up a conversation with her, her english just seemed to get worse and worse. Her accent wasn’t quite Italian, and it wasn’t quite German, nor could you say it was Spanish or French. I couldn’t figure this lady out really, even though her blond hair gave her away as something of the Teutonic variety.

Me fail English? That’s un-possible!

I asked her if it would be better that we spoke in Italian, as I figured maybe since she lived in town, her Italian would be better than her English. Just about anything would have been better than her English. So we switched gears into Italian, and I was started to find that her Italian was just as bad as her English. Finally, we switched into some broken Spanish (my Spanish was rusty at this point) and again, I was amazed to find that I spoke better Spanish than she did!

It turns out that she spoke 8 lanuages! And none of them well! I asked where she was from and she said Germany, but that her German wasn’t even all that good. I asked her what she spoke well, and she replied that English and Italian were her two best languages. She had apparently moved around a lot as a kid, and picked up a bit of everything as she moved.

I guess we can all be like that at times- Jack of all trades, master of none. But it is an expectation in our culture that we multitask- that we keep as many plates spinning as we possibly can without letting any of them fall. And there are plenty of people who are waiting for our plates to fall! The expectation is that we are supposed to be good at everything we do- be good soccer moms and executives- be good dads and football coaches- be members of the church and work and community- have a thousand friends who we write thousands of Christmas cards to. It can be maddening I tell ya!

But I often think of that professor in Rome- she couldn’t really speak any language well, and our conversation turned into a mismash of English, Spanish, and Italian. If we lose our focus, we will certainly be destroyed, simply because we can’t keep all those plates spinning at once.

Um… what a strange passtime

I once had a similar experience- I once took 22 credit hours one semester in college- studying 3 lanuages (Latin, Greek, and Spanish) in addition to all the philosophy credits I was expected to take. I didn’t learn any of those languages well, and I would have to say that by the end of the semester it was even hard to get my English straight! (I remember my friend jabbing me with a friendly insult, and all I could do was stare at him, because no coherent English words were going to come out.)

If we lose our focus and diversify our life so much that we spread ourselves thin, all we are going to be able to do is to stare at someone when they need a response. The same is true in our professional occupation as well- McDonald’s used to have good hamburgers, until they spread out into salads and chicken and cookies and all the other things that they do. If they focused on being the number one hamburger maker, maybe it wouldn’t turn my stomach so bad when someone suggests it as a nice pit stop on a trip.

Yuck… sorry Ronald

We can simply keep pulling the lever and hope for a jackpot- the reason slot machines work is because it is hard to take three diverse things and line them up!

So the solution is that we need to streamline our lives a little- understand what is important to us so that we can be a good focused person, and help the people around us. That means saying “NO” sometimes- that means drawing and keeping our boundaries with people and with ourselves. It means cutting out the fat and not sticking too many “irons in the fire.”

There are five areas of our life that we need to maintain- Spiritual, Intellectual, Physical, Professional, and Social. Those are the five necessary components to being a happy person, and yet we have to prioritize even those areas. Setting short term easily attainable goals in each of these areas, and cutting out the fat when necessary will make us a well rounded person. Even then, there are times in which one of these will take president over the others. We have to make sure that we are maintaining a balance in all of our lives.

Think of it like food- when I get a plate of food I might have a piece of meat, a potato, and a vegitable. Rarely do I try and eat all three at once- I like to enjoy the individual flavor of each- to mix them takes away from the flavor of each part of the meal. In the end we have to know where to quit and when to say yes. I would recommend a book by Seth Godin called “The Dip.” You can find his blog here: http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/2123/17470696

If we stop trying to spin 10 plates, it may be easier to spin 5- now we just have to decide which plates to stop from spinning.